Destructive Interaction Between Parents And Toddlers In Well-Functioning Families

The structure of interaction between parents and children.

The notion of “interaction” is widely used in philosophical, sociological, psychological and pedagogical investigations (Startsev, 2007). In the field of interpersonal relations, interaction is looked upon as a system of selective ties of the given person with other persons (A.N. Leont'ev, B.G. Anan'ev, A.A. Bodalev, etc.). Interaction is a precisely determined behavior or a set of behaviors which can be observed and, consequently, measured (Mukhamedrakhimov, 1999).

Regarding the structure of interaction, we will draw on the position of N.N. Obozov, who singles out its three most important components – affective, cognitive and behavioral. The cognitive component is considered by the author as realization of an object by the subject and includes mutual knowledge and mutual understanding. The affective component reveals everything connected with the state of the personality and is demonstrated via the formation of relationships. The behavioral component embraces actions and activity outcomes, and therefore can be revealed through the description of mutual actions and mutual influence (Startsev, 2007). Thus, while studying the interaction between parents and toddlers, we will view it as a system of consistently interrelated components – mutual knowledge, mutual understanding, relationships, mutual actions and mutual influence.

The characteristics of interaction between parents and toddlers in well-functioning families.

The process of mutual knowledge of mother and child begins long before the child’s birth and continues all through their life. In toddlerhood, the interaction between the child and the adult is mediated by an object and the child’s activity with it. In this context, the child studies the adult’s actions, tries to imitate them and involves the adult in their activity. They are primarily interested in the qualities that allow the adult to perform certain actions with the object. The toddler gradually loses interest in the toys which do not reflect the object world of the adults, and masters activity with real objects (dishes, home appliances, computer, cellular phone, etc.).

Proper attention to the child’s needs and interests and systematic observation of their achievements are the necessary conditions of constructive interaction. The knowledge in the sphere of physiology, psychology and early childhood pedagogy, as well as pedagogical diagnostics, makes up the needed theoretical foundation. And, taking into account unevenness of development of different children, only the child himself can be a standard of comparison. The parents’ observation of their child can be hampered if the child orients himself towards the stereotypes that have formed in the given society. For example, “one mustn’t play with food” and “bad behavior incurs punishment”. And “bad” behavior may include all kinds of the child’s activity aimed at cognizing the surrounding world (put the serial on the table, took the telephone, spilled water, broke a cup, ran to the side, squeezed out toothpaste, etc.) and the child’s demonstration of behavioral models of adults (washed the floor, switched on the washing machine, washed the clothes). As a result, the parents characterize their little “explorer” as “bad” and “intolerable”, and look at the passive children sitting in their mothers’ laps with envy. Such negative perception of the child’s personality may irreparably harm the developing personality. Idealization of the child’s personality by the parents is another extreme. Many parents are apt to overestimate the level of development of their child, ascribe non-existent properties to them and may overlook the emerging problems.

The depth and versatility of mutual knowledge determine the success of mutual understanding. Toddlers are characterized by egocentrism; they are unable to accept another person’s point of view yet and persist in fulfillment of their wishes. And if their activity is limited by their parents, they express a violent protest by way of screaming and destructive actions. It is only at the age of 2.5 years that toddlers develop the elements of empathy. They are incapable of sympathy, compassion or commiseration; that is why they can hit or bite anyone and involuntarily harm an animal. In spite of the barriers mentioned above, the toddler actively masters the techniques of attracting and keeping the attention of adults. They study the adults’ response to their actions and try to correct their mistakes on their own. The child can express the feelings of attachment and liking; they can demonstrate displeasure and suggest a way out of a predicament, and the need “to be understood” becomes one of the most important conditions of active speech development.

The success of mutual understanding in this regard is determined by the position which the parents take in their interaction with the child. In terms of space, they should avoid taking the position “above the child” but rather be on the same level offering them models of activity and supporting their initiative. The adult’s domineering may be the cause of the child’s rejection of interaction. The parents should be able to see the situation with the “eyes of their toddler”, to understand and accept their point of view, to put themselves in the place of the child and to reason from their point of view. Accepting the child, the parents acknowledge their right to individuality and difference from others irrespective of the outcomes achieved.

Relationships can be looked upon as the mutual readiness of both parties for emotions and actions of a certain type. The relations are based on the mutual attachment of the children and their parents which begins to form itself in the period of infancy. Accepting the child, showing their love and care, the parents facilitate the development of the feeling of security, which allows the children to actively explore the surrounding world. In case of excessive demand and care, children may develop lack of self-confidence; they become incapable of carrying out independent activity. But the most harmful is the salient rejection of the child by the parents, demonstration of neglect and avoidance of contact with the child.

According to A.V. Petrovskiy, four types of family relations can be singled out: dictate, care, “non-interference” and cooperation, but it is only cooperation that allows solving the problems of child education to the full. Cooperation between the child and the adult even in toddlerhood presupposes the involvement of the child in feasible labor, provision of support and acceptance of their help, non-usage of overindulgence, self-sacrifice and consumerism in relation to the child. Concern about the child and their well-being should be accompanied by reasonable strictness which the parents would consider just if they were in their place (Petrovskiy, 1996).

The relationships between the participants of cooperation are closely connected with their behavior and reflect the character of mutual activity.

The works of E.O. Smirnova and E.A. Strebeleva prove that it is only the cooperation between the close adult and the toddler that can become the basis of mutual object-oriented activity and allows the parent to pass to the child social experience and form the child’s motivation to acquire it. In the process of cooperation, what is important for the parent is not only the action oriented towards an object and performed together with the child, but also the translation of the methods of cognition of the surrounding world to the child via these actions (Mishina, 1998). In the process of cooperation, the toddler receives the adult’s attention, kindness and co-participation in practical activity at the same time. And the adult becomes both kind of role model and chief evaluator of the child’s success.

Alongside the leading role of cooperation, the parents can use such interaction strategies as rivalry (for example, who will be the fastest to do something) and one-way intervention while learning new skills (for example, monitoring the movements of the child’s hand with the hand of the parent).

Destructive strategies of interaction between parents and toddlers are represented by counteraction, passive acceptance and avoidance of interaction.

The psychological theories of personality and activity (A.A. Bodalev, L.I. Bozhovich, A.V. Zaporozhets, I.S. Kon, A.N. Leont'ev, etc.) highlight the fact that the child develops only in the process of activity. Accordingly, any actions of the parents which limit the object-oriented developing environment and deprive the child of the chances to manipulate objects can be regarded as destructive. The uncontrolled use of “screen time” may be especially harmful for the toddler. Modern researchers report that the substitution of direct communication between the child and the adult with screen-based entertainment on electronic gadgets limits the toddler’s activity, causes speech underdevelopment and leads to the emergence of neurotic disorders.

The mechanisms of imitation and suggestion lie at the basis of interaction between parents and children. The depth of the change of one partner under the influence of the other one depends on the degree of inclusion of these mechanisms. The imitating ability of toddlers is very high; therefore the parents are advised to refrain from all forms of behavior and actions which they would not like to see in their child in the future.

Mutual enrichment of the emotional, activity-based and social spheres of the participants of the process is most salient in the course of interaction between the parents and their toddlers. Toddlerhood is exceptionally sensitive for the child’s emotional sphere development, because the perception of the surrounding world at this age has a direct emotional character (Maksimova, 2007). In this context, if the parents are too restrained and emotionless in the course of interaction with toddlers, such interaction may be regarded as destructive.

Concrete case study.

We have used the method of concrete case observation in order to demonstrate the impact of destructive interaction on the development of toddlers.

For two years we observed the interaction between Sasha (a girl from a two-parent, well-to-do and pedagogically literate family) and her mother. When observation started, the mother was 25, had higher pedagogical education, and before the maternity leave had worked as a shop consultant; the father was 27, had higher education, and was engaged in store management. The relations between the parents in the family may be characterized as cooperation.

The interaction between Sasha and her mother during the first year of life was emotion-ridden and based on trust. The girl developed slightly ahead of developmental norm, and her mother was very happy about it.

The first problems in the interaction between mother and Sasha emerged when the girl was one year old. “My daughter has become so naughty!” the mother exclaimed in a talk with a friend. When asked about the causes of such negative attitude to her daughter, the mother explained that the girl “keeps getting everywhere, grasps things without asking permission, and is completely out of control”. Five months later, the mother consulted a child neurologist. She was worried about the fact that Sasha began to pull her hair hard and hit her head against the wall several times. Diagnostic procedures did not reveal any deviations in the toddler’s health, but the child was prescribed some sedatives. The situation became better for some time, but two months later the problem reappeared with renewed force. The girl was taken to hospital together with her mother and placed in the rehabilitation department, where the specialists could observe the interaction between the mother and her child. The mother demanded absolute obedience from her child. During walks, she always took the child by her hand and insisted on the girl’s going in the “right” direction. The girl began to scream and fight back; and the mother used a stricter tone of voice, took the girl in her arms and placed her in the pram. Sasha bent her body and screamed, but after a short while calmed down and began to watch what was going on around her.

In the dining-room, the child was also often heard to cry. All attempts of the girl to touch food or take the spoon were cut short rather strictly. The mother explained to the daughter that she might make a mess of her beautiful new dress. If the girl kept insisting, the mother took her in her arms and quickly carried her to the ward. Five minutes later, Sasha came back to the dining-room blubbered and sobbing, but obediently opened her mouth and swallowed the cereal. The mother was asked to take the “Test-questionnaire of Parental Attitude” by A. Ya. Varga and V. V. Stolin. In three scales (“acceptance-rejection”, “cooperation” and “symbiosis”), the indicators were within the average range; the indicators in the scales “authoritative hyper-socialization” and “little loser” were above the average values. Further investigation corroborated these observations – in relation to her child, the mother uses authoritarianism; she demands from her daughter obedience and discipline, tries to impose her own will, and disregards her daughter’s point of view. The mother does not trust her child, is vexed with her incompetence and tries to control her actions.

Visiting classes in sand therapy together with the daughter was a real shock to the mother. During her interaction with the psychologist, Sasha buried the toy symbolizing her mother deep in the sand. The mother was utterly upset and expressed readiness to try to change the situation.

Sasha and her mom passed through all stages of interaction development from the very start. Having studied the developmental peculiarities of toddlers, the mother changed her attitude towards her daughter’s behavior, stopped scolding and punishing her, and tried to demonstrate the models of correct actions with objects instead. During interaction, she always tried to be on the same level with the daughter, look her in the eyes, and tried to follow the strategy of cooperation.

On the psychologist’s advice, both Sasha and her mother began to mix with two-year-old Kate and her mother. Watching their games, emotionally ridden with role-playing activity, Sasha’s mother mastered the techniques of attracting and keeping the child’s attention and learned to act taking into account her daughter’s needs and interests. Acting with love and in the interests of her child, she managed to build up the relationship of cooperation. The signs of neurotic disorders vanished after three weeks without medicamentous intervention never to appear again.